[Miss trouble]

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"






The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

[Thally]

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Miss trouble]

One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.

Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."

Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"

John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"

John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."

Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"

Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."

And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"

The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

Now John has no arms or legs.

His brother finally arrives to save him.

Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fucked"

And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"

[Miss trouble]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Miss trouble]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”

“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

[Miss trouble]

Beware of Gay Nudists
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "Count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, 'Beware of Gays.
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing, 'Beware of Gays.'
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said,
'Sorry, you've had two warnings!'

[Miss trouble]

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[Miss trouble]

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage...

[Miss trouble]

A blonde was reading a beauty magazine
and saw an article about milk baths.

So the blonde called up the milk man..

"Hello?" Mr. Milkman?" She said, the milkman then replied simply
"Good Evening, how can I help you?"

She then began to talk, "I would like ten gallons of milk delivered
to my house so I can take a milk bath."

"Alright," the milk man said, "would you like that pasteurised?"

"No" she replied, "just up to my boobs."

[Ceejayo]

[Arthur Twosheds]

[Miss trouble]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two insects mating.

"Daddy, what are thoth two doing?" she asked.

"They're getting married" her father replied.

"What do you call the inthect on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"Tho, the other one ith a Mummy Longlegth?" the little girl asked.

"No dear. Both of them are called Daddy Longlegs." replied her father smiling at the innocent response.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then angrily stamped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain bollockth in OUR garden."

[Miss trouble]

Little April was asleep in class, teacher decided to catch her out and asks, " Tell me April who created the universe?"
When April didnt wake up her friend Johnny jabbed her with a pencil. "GOD ALMIGHTY." Shouted April.
April fell back to sleep, teacher asks her "who is our saviour?"
Johnny jabbed her with a pencil again and April shouts, " JESUS CHRIST"
The teacher was determined to catch her asleep and asks " what did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"
Johnny jabs her again. April screams " IF YOU STICK THAT F*CKING THING IN ME ONCE MORE ILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR A*SE"

[Thally]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her
just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

[Koinneach]

WOMEN EH!! BOOB JOBS,NOSE JOBS,TUMMY TUCKS, COLONIC IRRIGATION, BOTOX PIERCED NIPPLES,BELLYS AND CLITS, EYEBROWS PLUCKED, BIKINI LINES, ARMPIT, LIPS,& LEGS WAXED & THEY WONT TAKE IT UP THE ASS CAUSE IT HURTS!!!?


WELL

[Miss trouble]

A day's of tv listings for Muslims


6.00: G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

8.30: Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00: Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

11.00: Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30: Panoramadan.
The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world.

13.30: Xena.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

16.30: Countdown.
Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?

17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00: Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00: Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00: FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.00: Imam Ted.
Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga'il accidently burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.

22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30: They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'Don't feel the Mullah' round.

Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00: A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.

[ClarkeKent]

3 generations of a family are whores.

The daughter says, "I get £50 for giving a blow job."

The mother replies, "I only used to get £25 for doing that!"

Disgusted by the materialism of her family the grandmother reveals, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink!!"

[Ceejayo]

[scotbun]

as a first post I hope it's not too rude

[weered]

[Ceejayo]

[Miss trouble]

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.

Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[Miss trouble]

A elderly woman goes into fishing tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The owner of the shop is standing there wearing dark sun glasses.

She says, "excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "that's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and a 10lb test line. It's a good all round combination; and it's on sale this week for only twenty pounds."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind shop owner could tell it was her who had farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be thirty-four pounds fifty, please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for twenty pounds? How did you get
thirty-four fifty?"

He replies, "yes Madam, the rod and reel are twenty pounds, but the Duck Caller is eleven pounds and the bag of bait is three pounds fifty."

[Miss trouble]

Hey peeps sorry no been about as my best mate is back. Just on here for all of 10 minutes. We're heading off to Edinburgh for a wee shopping trip. So hope you like his attitude cause he is worse than me. Am the mild one he is the wild one. He is looking for a name that aint taken yet lol.

[Miss trouble]

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday morning.

Epicentre: Romford, Essex.
Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "faaackin ell" ..

The earthquake decimated the area causing extreme damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and
Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two Tyler-Morgan, and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals Tins of baked beans, Icecream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
�£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
�£6 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.