[fireclown]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd

look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the

system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to

deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and

design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job

or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm

really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Thally]

ROFL @ Fireclown............... Nice one

[Thally]

How a marriage works!

All men should read this.



A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies



So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'



'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.



'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'



The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'



She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.





The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'





He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,



'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'



She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'



You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.



'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'



'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'





.........and, they lived happily ever after.



Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!






Sorry if this one has been done before .

[Thally]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact shortly afterwards,

'Mary. Mary.'


'Is that you, Fred?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'


'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'

'
Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'



'No Not exactly,............................I'm a rabbit living in Suffolk.' !

[splish splosh]

A boy asks his granny 'Have you seen my pills Gran, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny answers: 'F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

[fireclown]

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”


The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”

The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount”

[Thally]

Ultimate female joke - A MUST READ....




A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......

On one condition'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....


'Clean my house.'




(YOU GO, GIRL!)

[Thally]

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES
FOR ?
A: It's Braille for ' suck here. '

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS ?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but ' down under. '

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS ?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a
Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN ?
A: Because when they come, they'r e wild and wet. But
when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE
MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT ?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking
his nose.

[Disconted Soul]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[Thally]

In a Chicago hospital,
a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the
men's restroom, but it had
always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she
said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not
to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was
identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and
a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He
couldn't resist He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom..


What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't
have nice things
like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently
drying his underside..

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A
large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile
scent of spring flower to
this unbelievable pleasure The ladies restroom was
more than a restroom, it
was tender
loving pleasure.

W hen the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew
would be supreme ecstasy..


Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed
out.......when
he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was
staring down at him.


'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I
remember was pushing the
ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis
is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN

[Arthur Twosheds]

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.

"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"

She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

[Arthur Twosheds]

A priest, a drunk, and a pedophile walk into a pub. Then another bloke walks in.

[Arthur Twosheds]

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who floats in water? Bob!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who hangs on a wall? Art!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who lies in a ditch? Phil!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who floats in a pot of boiling water? Stew!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who props open a door? Jim!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs who lies on the floor? Matt!
What do you call a one-legged girl? Eileen!
What do you call a one-legged girl from China? Irene!
What do you call a one-legged girl on the beach? Sandy!

Right, that's me done for the evening.

[Ceejayo]

He lied.
The owner of Bradford Nails is listening to a pitch from a sales agency. He is quite shocked when he’s shown a video of Jesus being nailed to a cross. The camera closes in on the guard, then his heavy hammer, and finally the Bradford logo on the head of a nail protruding from Jesus’ palm.

“That’s terrible!” the owner shouts. “You have 24 hours to fix this, and it better not include our lord getting nailed to a cross!”

After a night of sleepless work at the ad agency, the Bradford owner is invited back in. Once again a video rolls. This time, there is a close up of running sandaled feet. Then the camera shows a tunic flowing behind a sprinting man, and moment later two Roman guards are in pursuit. As they all head out of frame, there is a voiceover: “This wouldn’t have happened if they’d used Bradford nails.”
Reply With Quote

[Mr Page]

The love story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'

[Thally]

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.


He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States"

St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me!

When did this happen?"

And Obama says,

"About twenty minutes ago."









Ah, the honesty of children.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus.
It has eight testicles. ( Kelly , age 6)

2) - Oysters'
balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are
surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean
all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age
7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just
like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any
more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through
an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age

6) - My uncle
goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes
back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships
had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating
beans. ( William , age 7)

- Mermaids live in the ocean. I
like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but
how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age
6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother
is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister
has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age
6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric
eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean,
it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age
6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the
water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on
each other. (Becky, age

13) - On vacation my Mom went water
skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't
do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)

14)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why
the fish don't drown I don't know. ( Bob by , age 6)

15)-My dad
was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he
doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James,
age 7)

[Thally]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in
the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAYNE GO TO
BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council
worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'


An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter.
'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'


An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: 'Sharon.'
Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'
Sharon: 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon: 'Romford, mate.'


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her,
'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds of
them!'


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat
out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon: 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'


An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
'Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it
and the uva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well,
I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot
and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got
C&A on them!'

[Thally]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'

Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?'

Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'

[Thally]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[Arthur Twosheds]

The latest hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 1999 Ferrari GTO. It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to
show it off, so he takes it out for a spin. At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface
of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"


The young man replies, "A Ferrari. They go for about a half-million bucks."


The old guy is shocked: "That's a lot of moolah. Why do they cost so much?"


The cool young dude says proudly, "Because these babies can do 320 miles an hour!"


The gent on the Moped asks, "Can I take a look inside?"


"Sure," responds the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window, and peers around.


Leaning back on his Moped, the old guy says, "That's a pretty nice car!"


Just then, the red light turns green, so the young producer decides to floor it. Within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear-view mirror, which seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it might be, and whoooooosh! Something whips
by him, at an incredible velocity.


The young guy is nonplussed: "What on earth could be faster than my car?!" Then, ahead of him, he sees the same dot, coming back. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction.
It almost looks like the old man on the Moped.


"Couldn't be," mumbles the producer to himself. "How could a Moped outrun my Ferrari?!" Again, the blasted dot appears in his mirror.
Whoooooosh! Ka-boooom! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young guy jumps out, and it IS the old fellow!


Of course, the Moped and its driver are hurtin' bad, so the Hollywood producer kneels down by him and says, "You're seriously injured - is there
anything I can do for you?"


The old guy moans, "Yes... can you undo my braces from your wing-mirror."

[getmeouttahere]

An American businessman was travelling acros the States in Boeing Trans World Airways plane. After about half an hour into the flight the stewardess, doing the rounds with her trolley, stopped beside him and asked,

"Sir, would you lie some of our TWA coffee?"

"No thanks," he replied, "but i'd love some of your TWA tea".

[getmeouttahere]

I had to go away on business for three weeks and thought I’d best make sure my Irish girlfriend was “occupied” whilst I was away so I bought her a vibrator.
She was a little embarrassed but I just thought I’d leave it with her…..

I phoned her everyday and after the fourth day decided to mention the vibrator.

She coyly admitted to using it from day one so I left it at that.

After a week of phone calls she asked me to wire her £750 for the dental treatment she now needed…...

[Lurkalot]

[Thally]

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my
Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late -
again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been
discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to
discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade,
arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters
at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be
penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained,
"Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not
been cleaned."

[splish splosh]

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan "

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."