[Thally]

Thought it was about time we Edinburgers had our own joke thread folks .

I`ll start us off ok .....................



A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."



LOLOLOL

[Thally]

Sex with a Cowboy.................



Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she
Had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown
Bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop,then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the
Horns and throw them to the ground! It is just Inc redibl e!"

They then asked ,

"Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the
Back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

[runnach]

Joe & Jimmy are best friends who have not seen each other for a long time, Joe is leaving the docs surgery and bumps into jimmy on his way in. Jings says joe ltns you jimmy, why you visiting the doc?

An embarrased jimmy replies, it's me weener, tis too small, causing me all kinds of probs, I cannae hold down a relationship, when I drop my gear, the women laugh and leave, so I'm going to ask if there are drugs to make me weener bigger?

Joe replies: Forget the doc jimmy, come back to mine and I'll have Mary put on a pot o her special soup! Soup replies jimmy, yer kiddin?? Ok, what have I got to lose! I'll try anything rather than being embarrassed at the doc's.

Joe and Jimmy are now heading through Joe's front door, Joe shouts out to Mary, Mary I have Jimmy here and, he is having a wee prob doonstairs, can you get a pot o your special soup on for Jimmy please. Mary is busy mixing up her special brew soup, joe and jimmy are sitting blethering in the lounge.........

Then the door slowly creeps open, in wanders Joe's dog, crikey cries out Jimmy, look at the size o the weener on your dog!! Dog near to the other side o the room, and it's weener is still trailing in through door and between dogs hindlegs!!

Jimmy is flaberghasted at this site!! Joe looks at Jimmy and says, I told you mary's soup works and, the dog just licks the plate hehehe

Ahem..........lol...........

[Thally]

Nice one runnach


Keep em comin folks .......................

[runnach]

Now, while you read this one, try to imagine the words in the nice southern Irish accent....

Priest is inducting the latest recruits of nuns at the convent.

Priest: Now sisters you know before you get through the pearly gates, one has to have total absolution?

Nuns: Yes father we do know this.....

Priest: Ok, what we are going to do is this, we shall have a dummy run to ensure your souls are pure, I'll start from left to right.......now sister tell me, have you ever touched a mans penis before?

Nun: Yes father I have.....but......but...... it twas before I joined the sisterhood!!

Priest: Oh my god, that is digusting, go wash your hands in the holy water immediately, terrible......disgusting!! Next nun: now sister tell me, have you ever touched a mans penis before?

Nun: Yes father I have but.....but.......twas before I joined the sisterhood, and I only touched and pulled it back and forth a couple of times!!!

Priest: Oh my god, that is digusting, go wash your hands in the holy water immediately, terrible......disgusting!! Priest looks up and see's all this commotion, nuns pulling at each other.......jostling for position. Priest cries out, sisters, sister, what is all this commotion about, behave right now!!

Nun speaks out, father I want to gargle before the nun who was before me sticks her arse in the holy water............

Ahem..........

[Thally]

Nice one runnach




A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't." the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"?
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"?
"He went with Ma and Pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borra one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[fireclown]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Thally]

Nice one fireclown



Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I

drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You

show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" And he then leaves for

the fields.


After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the

front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of

cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right

here."


Very impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy

blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be

bred?"


"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

[Thally]

[didntwinthelotto]

What do you call a pair of Scotsmen hangin out on the washing line??
A. a pair of tights


What do you call a Scottish one legged woman?
A. Eileen

A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.

Hamish was building a garden shed and he ran out of nails so he went to the D.I.Y store to buy some more.
"How long do you want them?" asked the storekeeper.
"Oh, I need to keep them," replied Hamish

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?
A.Tell him that the drinks are on the house

A Scotsman went on a week's holiday to England. He took a clean shirt and a five pound note with him. When he arrived home he hadn't changed either of them

My wife was the last of 5 Scottish sisters to marry, the confetti was filthy

Wee Hamish was dying. Tenderly, his wife Morag knelt by his bedside and asked: ‘Anything I can get you, Hamish?’
No reply.
‘Have you got a last wish, Hamish?’
Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder.’
‘Wheesht, man,’ said Morag, ‘you know fine that’s for the your funeral.’

[CorsebouTheReturn]

[steamie]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term paper.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into
Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it
is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[Thally]

That was brilliant Steamie

Need more like that

[cherry_lips]

The maid

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 50,000?"
The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man asks, "Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?"

[Thally]

Tale of the desert


A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without
warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive,
would you do something for me?"
"Anything,Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any
harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister,would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could
I ask
something of you?
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after

a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can produce life." "Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the
hell out of here."

[sexpack]

Elephant bumps into a camel and asks"Why have you got two breasts on you back"Camel replies"Thats rich coming from someone with a cock on his face"

[Thally]

[CorsebouTheReturn]

A Scotsman, walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts " Awa ye feel hoor that âs full Oâ coos Sharn"
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

[Thally]

Ha Ha Ha ......................That was a good one Bou

Keep em comin folks ....................

[Chillpeice]

WHAT TIME DOES MICHEAL JACKSON GO TO BED????

































































































































WHEN THE BIG HAND TOUCHES THE LITTLE HAND!!!

[sexpack]

Judge says to prostitute"When did you realise you had been raped?"Prostitute says"When i found out the fucking cheque had bounced"

[Thally]

[steamie]

A man is driving along a deserted stretch of highway when
he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...... it reads -
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination
and drives on without a second thought.....
Soon he sees another sign which reads -
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realise that these sighns are for real and
drives past a third sign saying -
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiousity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot was a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading -
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by
a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business......"
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door...
This nun insructs, "Please place $100 in the tin cup and then go through the
large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing a another sign -
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

[steamie]

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate Simon was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the fryingpan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[NurseNoodle]