Defiant 12 year old girl

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

Single dad to 3 including 12 yo girl ( eldest) who seems hell bent on confrontation - will not accept being grounded ( escapes out bedroom window ) will not do anything when told ( says " you cant make me" etc - but often complies later...) is very rude to me ( Dad) and is very b0ssey to younger bro and sis. Just seems angry all the time and unwilling to be anything but selfish.

I do know that that is the nature of the beast ( 12 year old hormonal girl = Selfish is just natural!!) BUT the defiance / rudeness / lack of cooperation is driving me nuts...

any advise??

Velvet2008 · Joined: 21 May 2009 Posts: 9

Be firm, don't change goal posts or give in.

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

yes - thanks -I need basics need reminding / reinforcing.!!!

she is so used to getting her own way with her mother ( who she sees every other weekend) that she finds it difficult to accept my more " strict / firm" stance. BUT when I am perfectly clear and firm with her it is like magic - she calms down - feels safe - knows where she is -

she often seems happy to be grounded - but now she is mixing with older kids ( girls / boys 15, 16...) smoking she feels supported in being defiant / not coming home - not doing what she knows I expect her to do - she always has an out which is it is "my fault" that she is not living with her mom - so anything to annoy me is ok with her - she is making my life hell - I love her and want to care for her but she makes it so difficult...

window-licker · Joined: 03 Jun 2009 Posts: 3

Hi, what about spending a little time with her just you and her time?? think i seen it on supper nanny.. The older kids do feel a bit left out?? Then you can explain about why you are settin the rules that the are for her best intrests. And i spose a bit of give and take.. like you help round the house and then you can have a sleepover??

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

yes - that is probably a good idea ...

oh - she just come back from her weekend contact visit to her moms - and I discover she has had a belly button piercing!! ffs!! she is 12..........

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

Mavster III · Joined: 10 Feb 2009 Posts: 1235

let her see you give away her prized possesions if she wont do as told
send her mobile to a charity or her games consoles to oxfam etc
she will soon do as told
Or plant a really thorny bush outside her window
Or just a good old fashioned slap will work wonders
It needs sorting or she will soon be a drug addicted single mum
Good luck

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

yes...

That's the old fashioned way...
Do you have children - had much part to play in their upbringing ...??

no thought not ;-0

Mavster III · Joined: 10 Feb 2009 Posts: 1235

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

yea - thanks for that - it sure takes a real man to hit a child and take away their toys...

Mavster III · Joined: 10 Feb 2009 Posts: 1235

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

yea - well I think you have a problem if you judge people with so little knowledge of their situation - you have no idea why the children are not with their mom - or indeed why she is not with me - but no doubt you will offer your opinion!! ( you know who you are.. - you obviously get a kick out of coming on here and abusing people...) I have been through all the slapping and denial of privileges / toys / mobile phones punishment and IT DOES NOT WORK - it is still in place ( well apart from the slapping - I stopped that two years ago - and I am glad I did )

Mavster III · Joined: 10 Feb 2009 Posts: 1235

safefood · Joined: 16 Jun 2009 Posts: 9 Location: DUBLIN

SHE IS TESTING YOU MAN,
MY KIDS THE SAME

RedDaisy · Joined: 13 Mar 2008 Posts: 18

Hey

I've just read this topic.

Hows it going?
Any improvement?

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

well things have moved on a bit - as they do Laughing

But as this goes in waves - comes back to bite me - we have started a CAF.

Things continue to worry me Re: her and siblings behavior while visiting their mom

we Have talked - and hope to do some more...

RedDaisy · Joined: 13 Mar 2008 Posts: 18

Sorry, CAF?

I'm glad that things seem to be getting there.

What is their behaviour with their mother like?

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

common assessment framework - CAF - teachers, health workers, socila etc - all meet to work together.

mum just allows them too much freedom - she always gives in ( their words) so smoking, swearing, out all day - little supervision / discipline - they were banned from there by mothers BF for a while ( for bad behavior ) - which greatly upset them down here

RedDaisy · Joined: 13 Mar 2008 Posts: 18

I don't know how the separation happened or when it happened.
Have you tried talking to the children about this with their mother.
Have you set rules and guidelines that apply both at home and their mums house.

I do believe in taking away favorate toys etc (not getting rid permanently) but explaining why these treats etc have been taken away.

You need to find out why they are acting like this, which I'm sure is what you are trying to do.

Just stick at what you're doing, don't give in.
They are not only testing you but testing themselves.
The more their environment changes the worse the situation will get, they need some stability

Stick at it.

I will mention as this topic was added in the beginning of the post- I do not have children but I am a Nanny with a few years experience.
I have been with children in a similar situation and it takes time and hard work so don't give up.

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

well - as I said things calmed down ... for now. Kids been with me for 6 years now - after mothers illness ( partially recovered )

Issue was her BF would not allow one of the biweekly weekend visits because of the kids behavior while up there - she can not discipline them - so they "run wild" and get in trouble...

So they all 3 acted very upset / defiant for that month - I understood why but that did not help with the outright defiance which I felt endangered them ( running off, not coming home, texting to say "staying over at friends" - who I had never heard of - so had to get police in to fetch back.

She will not / can not accept common rules - I.e. allows them to smoke ( buys them for them 11 & 12 year olds....;-(( ), lets them stay up late and watch adult ( well 9 pm plus..) TV etc etc.

They LOVE it!!!!!!

and when they come home they think it is a prison!!!

Yes I do use "withdrawal of toys" to discipline - basically this means taking mobile phone off them ( which they HATE!! LOL )

THIS WORKS - but AS soon as they get them back the bad behavior / disrespect resurfaces very soon.

The bad times have o[pend up a Chanel to talk to them - It is pointless talking to the mother I feel - she just lies - she too the 1`2 year old to get her belly button pierced last week - no discussion with me at all - I asked her and she replied she though I would not mind!!! I was LIVID / horrified - but what can I do - I can not punish the daughter - although initially I told her she would not get her mobile phone back until she too out the piercing - but mom said it would scar if she took it out so not to...

RedDaisy · Joined: 13 Mar 2008 Posts: 18

It doesn't scar unless she has had a reaction to it. I took mine out and you can't tell now, especially since it is still new.

I really feel for you but you seem to have the determination to get through this.

I assure you that when they are older they will see things differently and see that you were doing all this in their best interests. You just have to get to that point.

Don't back down.

Have you spoken to their mothers BF about 'disciplining' them as such. If he can lay down rules and encourage their mother to do so.

I know you have probably heard all this before and for that I apologise.

When did the bad behaviour start?

RedDaisy · Joined: 13 Mar 2008 Posts: 18

This may sound bad but have you tried asking on supernanny.co.uk. They have a forum style set up like this.

Miss Bitch · Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:27 pm Post subject:

What's worse - a very small scar on her belly or a young kid acting like a slutty adult with a piece of metal in her navel? Come on!

Seriously, if my kid's dad took her for a piercing without asking me, bought her fags and let her stay out at all hours, I'd be down the solicitors demanding at the very least, supervised access only. This is akin to child abuse.

Further to an earlier post about spending more time with the older kid etc etc - it's good to explain the reasons why you try to discipline for her own benefit but that's not how kids see it.
Another thing to tack on the end would be giving her some responsibility and trust. Make her believe she is an idol to her younger siblings and needs to set the standard for them.
Remind her that if they are well-behaved because of her, she will also reap the rewards.

The problem with kids today is parents, end of. Your kids are your responsibilty and if they turn out bad or bad things happen to them you have no one to blame but yourself. the buck stops with you - not the school or the media or other kids on the estate. You.
I choke on my own bile at so-called problem kids. It's problem parents.

And yes, I am a parent before you try that one. Rolling Eyes

flame · Joined: 23 Dec 2007 Posts: 9873 Location: Between paradigms

mikeup · Joined: 18 May 2009 Posts: 16

bitching!! ;-(