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theoneandonly2
Joined: 12 May 2009
Posts: 398
Location: london
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 Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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| mikeup wrote: | | bitching!! ;-( |
i,m sure the social workers etc will have told you what her game is,
to me it sounds as if shes desperate for your love, and for you to prove to her that no matter what you wont leave her, so the constant trying of you, although of course you give her all the love you have, she will continue to try you out and the shit will continue till she grows out of it and only then.
nothing you can do about it you can only react to her bad behaviour, if your were in such a bad state of mind would you really give a fig about belongings being held back from you?.
I feel really sorry for you and parents in your position, but its not uncommon, stay with it dad, it wont be forever and one day you and she look back and laugh at it.
much strength to you. |
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mikeup
Joined: 18 May 2009
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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thanks for that.
It is a comforting thought that she is " just testing me" - and I know at times this is so...
I know that she appreciates and is comforted by fair but loving boundaries. - despite the knee jerk protestations from her.
They were banned again ( 3rd time this year ) from visiting their mother because of "bad behavior" whilst visiting her... - and I got the usual, predictable acting out behavior... - I explained to them that this was not acceptable treatment / behavior by their mother and her boyfriend - to prevent visits to their mom because they were being naughty... but that is what they are faced with - what we are all faced with... |
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Miss Understood
Joined: 05 Jul 2009
Posts: 3301
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| Posted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 9:46 pm Post subject: |
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You're a weak parent. She's running circles round you and it'll only get worse.
I'd put money on her being pregnant and/or on drugs by 14. |
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theoneandonly2
Joined: 12 May 2009
Posts: 398
Location: london
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| Posted: Mon Jul 13, 2009 4:37 pm Post subject: |
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| mikeup wrote: | thanks for that.
It is a comforting thought that she is " just testing me" - and I know at times this is so...
I know that she appreciates and is comforted by fair but loving boundaries. - despite the knee jerk protestations from her.
They were banned again ( 3rd time this year ) from visiting their mother because of "bad behavior" whilst visiting her... - and I got the usual, predictable acting out behavior... - I explained to them that this was not acceptable treatment / behavior by their mother and her boyfriend - to prevent visits to their mom because they were being naughty... but that is what they are faced with - what we are all faced with... |
well its quite a hand youve been dealt! but you gotta play it, the easiest thing is to say "ah fuck it" an give in, but you and i know thats not the right or best thing for their future development, tough love thats the way.
i,m afraid their mother and partner must be shallow to ban them for bad behaviour!, their taking the easy way out, i find it quite incredible some womens lack of maternal love and resposability, perhaps shes repeating a pattern.
all the best. |
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Fishman5
Joined: 31 Jul 2009
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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| I would look in to a behavior modification program. I know it sounds harsh, but it's not. It could be exactly what you need. Getting everyone in the family on the same page will help. Ending the defiant behavior will bring peace and sanity back in to your home. When you are trying to discipline defiant child, you need effective consequences. Many programs will give you word-for-word exactly what to say and what to do when you encounter these situation. Good luck! |
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mikeup
Joined: 18 May 2009
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 11:54 am Post subject: |
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thanks
have got CAF in place
Plus looking at PPP - anyone have any experience of it? |
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mikeup
Joined: 18 May 2009
Posts: 16
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tweetie_boid
Joined: 07 Aug 2009
Posts: 126
Location: SA - Western Cape
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| Posted: Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:49 pm Post subject: Re: Defiant 12 year old girl |
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| mikeup wrote: | Single dad to 3 including 12 yo girl ( eldest) who seems hell bent on confrontation - will not accept being grounded ( escapes out bedroom window ) will not do anything when told ( says " you cant make me" etc - but often complies later...) is very rude to me ( Dad) and is very b0ssey to younger bro and sis. Just seems angry all the time and unwilling to be anything but selfish.
I do know that that is the nature of the beast ( 12 year old hormonal girl = Selfish is just natural!!) BUT the defiance / rudeness / lack of cooperation is driving me nuts...
any advise?? |
Being a single dad can't be easy. It's difficult for a man to understand a woman, let alone to understand a little girl at that. Your daughter sounds increasingly frustrated at the inconsistency of the rules and regulations in both her homes - which is obviously out of your control (since you and her mom are no longer together). Short of putting up burglar bars in her room, she needs to have certain privileges taken away from her each time she oversteps her mark. There will be lots of tears and temper tantrums in the beginning but she'll learn to accept it as soon as she sees you 'sticking to your guns'. If she and her siblings fight - let each of them write out a one page essay on what they could have done to avoid confrontation - and then get them to trade papers and read it. At this age they feel quite misunderstood, and have the attitude of 'the world owes me a living'.
You're not alone - most parents have problems with their kids at this age. Often kids use buzz words to make you angry or hurt! Try not to show that her angry words has any effect on you whatsoever. Try not to punish her while you are angry because it is easy for your punishment to seem like revenge, rather than you enforcing guide-lines. She obviously needs security, stability and consistency. Try and do more fun things together - like the two of you cooking her favorite meal, watching her favorite home movie together, visits to the zoo, hiking or whatever. She could also be using these negative tactics to attract attention - Mom has her bf, siblings have each other ... now maybe she's frightened that someone will take Dad away from her as well. She might also be needing constant reassurance.
Good luck |
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mikeup
Joined: 18 May 2009
Posts: 16
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| Posted: Sat Aug 08, 2009 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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thanks for that tweetie boid!!  |
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